Being a woman

"Yes, you have to earn that as a woman first, what childcare will cost you later. It’s not profitable."

Oof, that hit hard. The lecture hall froze, and you couldn’t hear a peep from the students. There they sit, the economists of tomorrow, shoulder to shoulder in the overcrowded room of the heating plant, awkwardly staring at their notes. Among them, my 20-year-old self, who vowed back then to do it differently. Not to suffer under this “pay gap,” as the professor already called it back in the “Introduction to Microeconomics” course. Not to take on a poorly paid women’s job only to not return from maternity leave five years later. Not to be a housewife and mother, completely dependent on her husband. No, I didn’t want to become any of that. And when I heard the professor say that sentence, I swore to myself that I would always be just as good as the men, if not better. And that, unfortunately, was my biggest mistake.

I remember that in my job as a management consultant, I was required to wear knee-length skirts only and no red nail polish. That was the time I got my first tattoo. On my left wrist—clearly visible. I can confidently say that at no point in my professional career did I fit the image of a consultant. I was insecure, frightened, and often showed it. I think I cried in front of every boss I had. Sometimes even in front of clients. Or both at the same time. That was anything but professional, for sure. But at least it was real. It was 100% real.

For a long time, I tried to prove that microeconomics professor wrong. So much so that I put my then 1-year-old son in daycare, just so I could get back to work as quickly as possible. Yes, I know, daycare or not is a sensitive topic. Everyone is free to decide for themselves. I’m just saying it didn’t work for US. Not for my son, and not for me either. I did it anyway. Because everyone does it. And because I wanted to succeed in balancing career and child. If my son ever reads this: I am really sorry! I think it was my biggest mistake so far. Not because daycare was so terrible, but because I felt it was wrong and did it anyway. Head against heart. Heart loses.

Since COVID, I’ve had both kids at home. So now I’m a housewife and mother. I am everything I once ridiculed at university. I am all that and more.

Today, I tell my 20-year-old self that the professor had no clue. That authenticity and integrity still rank higher on my value list than the job title on a business card. That I want to live in a world where women aren’t just better men, but where we all stand side by side as equals, offering each other a helping hand. Where it’s just as normal for a man to push the stroller as it is for a woman. A world where women in leadership positions can also be feminine, emotionally raw, and wild. Where we free ourselves from all boxes and labels and give in to the wild urge to scream out loud.

In that spirit: scream loud, scream wild!

#freeyourself #beyourself